OK, the weekend is almost here, I need to kick back and unwind with
a little humor, and while searching for something else I ran across
this delightful list which I thought was too hilarious to pass up.
So, for everyone's enjoyment:
~ ~ THE RULES of E.M.S. ~ ~
________________________________
1. Skin signs tell all
2. Sick people don't bitch
3. Air goes in and out,blood goes round and round, any variation on this
is a bad thing.
4. About %70 of the battery patients more than likely deserved it.
5. The more equipment you see on a EMTs belt, the newer they are.
6. There is no rule 6.
7. When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good
saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
8. All bleeding stops....eventually.
9. All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
10. If the child is quiet, be scared.
11. EMS is extended periods of intense boredom, interrupted by
occasional moments of sheer terror.
12. Always follow the rules but be wise enough to leave them sometimes.
13. If the pt. vomits, try to hold the head to the side of the rig with
the least difficult cleanable equipment.
14. If someone dies by chem. hazards, electrical shocks or other
on-scene dangers it should be the patient, not you. (also known as rule
1313)
15. Any EMT, FF, LEO and/or scene chief who is more drunk than the
patient is the real problem.
16. There will be problems.
17. The severity of the injury(s) is directly proportional to the
difficulty in accessing, as well as the weight, of the patient.
18. Hand grenades and turret mounted machine guns usually work better
than lights and sirens.
19. Make sure the rookie EMT knows that a med patch is a radio term, and
not a medicated bandage.
20. "Paramedics save lives; EMT's save Paramedics." (to quote a T-shirt
or bumper sticker)
21. If the patient looks sick, than the patient is sick.
22. If the patient is sitting up and talking to you, then the patient is
not in V-Fib, no matter what the monitor says.
23. It is that bad.
24. Full spinal precautions were custom made for obnoxious drunks. So
were NPAs.
25. If you absolutely must vomit, than it is probably best to turn your
head away from the patient.
26. It is generally bad to use the words "holy shit" on scene, in
reference to the patients condition.
27. Patients that crash in separate vehicles should be transported in
separate vehicles.
28. Just because someone's fully immobilized doesn't mean they can't be
violent.
29. If I'm up, EVERYONE is up!
30. Better them (another unit) then me.
31. I saved the patient...from the fire department.
32. When responding to a call always remember that your ambulance was
built by the lowest bidder
33. Never get into the front of the ambulance with someone that is
braver than you are
34. When in doubt use industrial strength therapy
35. If its stupid, but it works, then it ain't stupid
36. Algorithms never survive the first thirty seconds of patient contact
37. Always honor a threat
38. Always know when to get out of dodge
39. Always know HOW to get out of dodge
40. The important things are always simple
41. The simple things are always hard
42. If the pt is going to vomit (especially projectile) be sure to aim
towards any bystanders that would NOT clear the scene. (This also works
for OIC's)
43. Sometimes it's easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.
44. You can't please any of the people any of the time.
45. Don't go INTO Dodge without the Marshall.
46. They said, " Smile, things could be worse." So we smiled and sure
enough, things got worse!!!
47. Always answer a newbie's questions. (you once asked them, too.)
49. EMT's are taught - "the man with the gun, is the man in charge"
(i.e.: the police) WRONG !!!!! Real life (when the fire dept. is on
scene) "The man with the NOZZLE (charged hose line) is the man in charge
!!" Trust me , it's true. I've been there. that charged hose will send
you farther down the block & hurt more before the cop begins to think
about shooting you.
50. The number of drugs a patient has on board is directly proportional
to the number of knuckles tattooed.
51. If you respond to an MVA after midnight and you don't find a drunk,
keep looking - you've missed a patient.
52. PVC's can be eliminated by sending a strip to the hospital.
53. The ultimate QA program in EMS is an autopsy.
54. Best time to work a code - overtime.
55. Pain never killed anyone.
56. All fevers eventually fall to room temperature.
56. A Pt.'s weight is directly proportional to the chances the elevator
will be non-functioning.
57. Here is a simple ETOH test: Hold your hands about 6 inches apart
with thumbs and forefingers touching and ask pt. what color string you
are holding. If pt. indicates a color it is a positive test.
58. A tourniquet around the neck solves all problems.
59. If you drop the baby, pick it up.
60. The dead never get better, on the other hand they never get worse.
61. O2 is good, blue is bad.
62. Never trust a ER doc with anything sharper than a tongue depressor
63. Less than 8, intubate (GCS score).
64. Asystole is a very stable rhythm
65. A Pt.'s weight is in direct proportion to their altitude in the
building.
66. A Pt.'s weight is directly related to the number of stair flights
between him/her and the rig.
67. "When in trouble, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout".
68. EMS RULE OF THREES (as it relates to codes) 300 pounds <30 minutes
to shift change 3 stories up in the building.
69. Whoops: 1) the monitor just fell down the stairs, 2) the cold and
flu patient just coded, 3) the wrong house. ( hint: the one with the lab
probably didn't call 911)
70. Rules: 1) Don't get dirty, 2) Don't run, you may violate rule #1, 3)
If it looks like you might get dirty doing something let the new guy do
it.
71. For every ALS skill we learn, we forget a BLS one.
72. The fire tetrahedron consists of the following: heat, oxygen, fuel,
chief officer. Take any of them away and the fire goes out.
73. "Compassion Kills", don't dive into incidents.
74. When a call comes in 2 min. before shift change you will always pass
your relief 1 block from the station. he/she/ it will be laughing and
waving at you.
75. If there is little to be gained, there is little to be lost. If
there is a gain, there is a be lost.
76. If you lift an inch, crib an inch.
77. What do you call a medical student who finishes last in their class?
Doctor.
78. If you think the cost of education is expensive, check out the cost
of ignorance.
79. Universal Precautions - Is it wet? Is it yours? If it is, and it
isn't then leave it alone.
80. Death is a stabilization of the patient's condition.
81. Every Emergency has three phases - PANIC, FEAR, AND REMORSE.
89. You are bound to get a call either during dinner, while you are on
the can, or at 02:00 in the middle of a great dream.
90. Training is learning the rules, experience is learning the
exceptions.
91. Rocket scientists that get into stupid car crashes are the first
ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
92. "Poke & Hope" = blind sticking
93. Why do fire chiefs where white helmets? So you know where the
Preparation H goes.
94. Never trust your rig, drug box, or airway bag to be fully stocked.
(In spite of the assurances of the off going crew.)
95. If you don't have it, don't give up. Adapt, improvise, overcome,
(then call for a second unit).
96. There is no such thing as a "textbook case".
97. Newbies always look for large things in the smallest compartments
and vice versa.
98. There is no such thing as a bad call. Only calls that didn't go the
way you planned.
99. Just because someone's EMT or Paramedic original license date is
before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.
100. Truckies are people who are over 6 feet tall and their hands drag
the ground while walking upright.
101. Newbies have there own way of doing things.
102. When it comes to needles, 'tis better to give than to receive.
103. Listening to some EMT's talk on the radio makes you wonder why they
don't become professional auctioneers.
104. For every 25 calls you run, only 1 will be exciting.
105. Take comfort in the fact that most of your patients survive no
matter what you do to them.
106. The old EMS constant; no matter how bad the politics get, the doors
go up and the trucks go out.
107. ALS really stands for "absolute loss of sense".
108. Most of your patients are healthier than you are.
109. Being in emergency services means you get to celebrate your
holidays with all your friends, while on-duty.
110. Being an EMT means you get to expose yourself to rare, nd exciting
new diseases.
111. EMS does not save lives, EMS is to care for people. It is 95% of
what we do.
112. You fall, you call, we haul, that's all.
113. There are two kinds of EMS calls: "Oh-Shit!" and " - !"
114. Call 1st, call fast, gotta make that v-fib last, till we shock 'um,
make 'um jump,get a rhythm, and a pump
115. When rate is slow, when BP is low,we give atropine, so we can go go
go!
116. When you join the kidney club, you usually cannot go.
117. Common sense isn't.
118.The more reflective stripping there is on your jumpsuit, the easier
it is for the only drunkdriver going by the MVA to find you.
119. If you have a ride-along you want to show the real world, nothing
will happen that shift.
120. EMS goes against the process of natural selection.
121. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean your supervisor's not
around the corner.
122. You can't cure stupid.
123. If it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!
124. If at all possible, avoid any edible item that firefighters
prepare, especially the tuna casserole.
125. Heaven protects Fools and Drunks.
126.We are all slaves to the god "Motorola"
127. Only medical control option that can always be used # 48 "Drive
Faster"
128. Murphy was an optimist.
129. The address is never clearly marked.
130. EMS doesn't save lives we only "postpone the inevitable."
131. Supervisors become that because they won't be missed in the field.
132. The god "Motorola" desires sacrifices of hot food at least once a
shift.
133. Even sterile water tastes great on a hot day.
134. The stereo must always be louder than the siren.
135. At the beginning of your shift, your main O2 tank, fuel tank, and
stomach will be empty...but the call volume will be full.
136. you know you are in trouble when the directions to a patient's
house include... " turn off of the paved surface..."
137. Anyone with a "T" to "T" ratio of less than 5 to 1 is guaranteed to
be drunk, on drugs, or both. ("T" to "T" means teeth to tattoos)
138. All arrhythmia's eventually straighten themselves out.
139. Dead is dead, leave it at that.
139. Your seriously ill pt. will miraculously get better when you roll
them into the ER.
140. Your pt. will get new symptoms after radio report and pulling up to
ER.
141. Don't get excited about blood unless its your own
142. The pain will go away when it stops hurting.
143.If nothing has gone wrong you obviously don't understand the
situation.
144. You should always stop CPR after the second ouch!, from the PT.
145. People don't call an Ambulance because they did something right.
146. The quickest way to gather the relatives is to leave the primaries
on while at the scene.
147. Every nurse is right as long as you are in THEIR E.D.
148. When in doubt, always take another set of vital signs.
149. If your patient is violent you can always use O2 therapy (an O2
bottle across the head usually calms them down).
150. The larger the house the furthest from a door the patient will be.
151. If the patient fell and was moved by the family, they will have
moved them so that climbing stairs will be involved.
152. The furniture will always be arranged so that a stretcher or
stairchair will never fit easily.
153. The problem won't be that bad until a major disaster strikes. (you
have had chest pain for 3 days and wail till the middle of a blizzard to
call?!?!?)
154. The Patient will all of a sudden develop a PMH as soon as the ED
nurse asks for one.
155. The same (#154) applies for medications
156. Whenever you have NO lights or sirens on, everyone on the road will
pull over for you, whether you want them to or not.
157. The probability of getting a code 3 call is directly proportional
to how badly you need to go to the bathroom.
158. You've never been as sick as just before you stop breathing.
159.Dispatchers tell everyone where to go, inversely, everyone would
like to tell the dispatcher where to go!
160. If you ever do tell the dispatcher where to go they will give you
more places to go (or never piss off the nice dispatcher).
161. A patient's weight will always be inversely proportional to the
size of the vehicle they choose to wreck. (in other words, the fatter
they are, the smaller their car.)
162. It's not our emergency..........it's our patients! (For all you
newbies who forget to take a chill pill!)
163. If someone is pointing a gun at you, 2 things 1. you should have
waited for PD, 2. you wish you just hadn't made that wise ass comment.
164. Fellow paramedics always have a better story than your's.
165. Just when you say, "You know, I have never had a hanging....", you
will get one.
165. The only time you go out on a limb (As a Dispatcher), and not
provide coverage so a crew can eat, a serious call will come in that
area.
166. The only time you need to fart is when you have your patient loaded
in the elevator.
167. The only time your pant's split is when there are gorgeous Police
Officers there to assist you.
168. You will get caught sleeping, eventually.
169. never say the kind of call you are in the mood for in the begining
of the shift, you will get it in the worst way (I.e mva in the pouring
rain)
170. Make sure the newbie knows that the portable O2 is the one to bring
to a code (not the main)
171. God made Paramedics and EMT's to give him a chance to change his
mind!!!
172. Beware when a firefighter says "Check this out."
173. never let a rookie drive the truck when they drive a tiny car.
bridges are scary as hell and curbs are ruff.
174. your driver will never hit a pot hole or curb unless your pt has a
bad fracture.
175. the worse your pts breath is the quiter they will talk. you will
have to get closer to hear them
176. No matter howmany times and ways you ask the patient questions, the
story will always change once they get into the ER making you look like
an ass.
Change, start, or stop your subscription to RC_WORLD at the archives.
Archives: http://listserv.iupui.edu/archives/rc_world.html
Problems? <RC_WORLD-request@iupui.edu> John Hannigan, listowner
